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Praise: I was immediately drawn to your essay because of its subject. As someone who knows close to nothing about meditation, I felt like I was really learning something while reading your draft. I’m definitely the perfect audience for this type of paper!
Some great sentences:
1. “Meditation begins with the mind.”
2. “It enables a person to blossom and gives them the ability to accommodate different values in life with many conditions.”
Both these sentences were some of my favorites in your essay because they are successful without using too many words; these sentences are succinct and to the point.
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT
Thesis/Focus: When writing a process essay, it’s important to think of and explain how something is done or how it works, identify what the processes are and perhaps why and when it is done, what the parts of the process are, and how one step leads to another, including what will happen and even what sorts of things might go wrong.
In the case of your draft, I’m not sure if I can really tell what the process you’re trying to explain is. At first, it seems like you’re describing all of the benefits of mediation. By the middle of your essay, around paragraph 4, it seems that perhaps your focus is the process of how to actually *practice* meditation, although you move again towards descriptions of its benefits.
It’s extremely important that you spell out what your focus is by writing a clear thesis statement. This does not mean that you should be super obvious (no need to write something like “in this paper I will explain…etc.”) but it should still be clear enough that your reader will think, “Okay, this is what this paper is going to be about.” Having a clear thesis will also be helpful in structuring your subsequent paragraphs.
Development: I really appreciate that you use sources in this draft. However, I’m not sure you’re using these sources as much as you can.
Implementing sources proves that you’ve put in the work regarding research. However, without analysis, your research doesn’t amount to much/doesn’t explain anything to the reader, so when you come you cite something in your essay, think about doing the following to enhance the effects of your research:
● Make a Point.
● Introduce evidence by providing context: for example, give the expert’s background: their name, their position/job, their field, what they are known for, the title of the text you have taken your evidence from, and some information about why this quote is relevant to your argument.
● Insert your evidence (expert opinion (quote), statistic, fact, example, paraphrase or summary).
● Insert critical thinking about the evidence: analyze, synthesize and evaluate the evidence, and its relationship to your observation or argument.
Rhetorical Structure: One way to play around with your overall structure once you’ve revised your thesis is to try the following:
1. In the introduction, specify the process about which you are writing and comment on the reason for completing the process, its level of difficulty, and on the overall approach you will need. List your steps!
2. In the first paragraph of the body of the paper (the second paragraph of the paper, the one following the introduction), you can describe the first part the first step of the process.
3. Repeat for each step. Try to go in either chronological order or in the order of importance (this of course, all depends on your opinion).
4. In the conclusion, summarize the process. You can perhaps comment on what can be done next, or comment on the effects following this process might have over time.
Of course, this is a suggestion to get you started. If you feel that moving paragraphs around differently is the way to go, by all means do so. Just keep in mind that you should think of what’s best for your essay’s overall intent.
Sentences:
I noticed that you have a lot of run-on sentences. Writers often make a run-on when they put two complete sentences (a subject and its predicate and another subject and its predicate) together in one sentence without separating them properly. Here’s an example of a run-on from your own essay:
“Finally, another aspect of meditation is calmness for a meditative mind, when a thought occurs, it can easily be witnessed unlike the ordinary mind that can be easily grounded by an upsetting thought.”
This one sentence actually contains two complete sentences. Luckily, there are many ways to correct this run-on sentence.
You could use a semicolon: “Finally, another aspect of meditation is calmness for a meditative mind; when a thought occurs, it can easily be witnessed unlike the ordinary mind that can be easily grounded by an upsetting thought.”
You could also separate the two sentences by adding a period, or even a dash.
Here’s another sentence: “Meditating with the eyes closed can be a big challenge especially for one who is beginning it is therefore good for one to have a point where to concentrate the eyes, a lit candle for example.”
My suggestion: “Meditating with closed eyes can be a big challenge, especially for one who is beginning. Therefore, it is good to have a point to concentrate the eyes, like a lit candle.”
Take a close look at your longer sentences to determine whether they are in need of different punctuation.
Avoid using “you”. “You” is usually not appropriate in academic writing because it is too vague and casual, or because it is an imperative (command) which creates distance from readers. Replace “you” with some specific group using third-person, plural nouns (like “readers,” “viewers,” “Republicans,”etc. Remember that your assignment sheet specifies that your final draft should be written exclusively in the third person.
Wrap-Up: I think you have a really great start here! Once you put some work into the revisions, particularly where your thesis is concerned, your next draft will be more effective and will truly shine. Best of luck.
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